When it comes to love, weddings, and money — things can get messy.
In this special episode, we’re re-releasing a conversation I had on the Here Comes the Drama podcast with Christa Innis, to talk about one of the most common (and costly) mistakes couples make –– avoiding real conversations about money. From wedding budgets and bachelorette party expectations to navigating debt, boundaries, and financial transparency, we’re unpacking all the drama around love and money. Whether you’re planning your big day, standing beside a friend, or just love a juicy “Am I the A**hole?” wedding story, this episode is full of hot takes, practical scripts, and no-shame advice to help you protect your wallet and your relationships. Plus, we’ll talk about how to plan a wedding you can actually afford.
Key takeaways:
The biggest mistake couples make is not talking about money early and often.
Entering marriage without serious financial conversations is a major reason behind separation and resentment. Financial transparency should start in dating and deepen through each stage of commitment.
Financing weddings or bachelorette parties with credit cards is a financial trap.
Putting big events on credit cards creates long-term stress and guilt. The interest compounds daily, leaving couples paying off “the best day of their lives” for years. Instead, she urges couples and bridal parties to plan transparently and set budgets in advance.
Transparency is the key to happy weddings and friendships.
Whether you’re the bride or a bridesmaid, communication around money prevents resentment. Tori shares her “gratitude sandwich” framework for having tough money talks with empathy and honesty — and reminds listeners that true friends never demand you go into debt.
Your wedding should reflect your priorities, not everyone else’s expectations.
Couples should decide what truly matters — food, venue, guests — and budget accordingly. It’s not about deprivation but strategic spending. Tori urges listeners to journal individually and discuss what’s meaningful, then align spending with those values.
Split wedding and life costs equitably, not equally.
Who says everything should be split 50/50? Fairness is based on income and financial reality. Equity — not equality — creates healthier financial partnerships.
When something goes wrong — in weddings or finances — always advocate for yourself.
Document everything, request refunds, and even dispute charges if necessary. Your money is your power, and you deserve what you paid for.
Notable quotes
“Boundaries always feel like aggression to people who’ve never experienced a boundary.”
“We’ll talk about sex, death, politics, religion — any uncomfortable topic — before we’ll talk about money.”
“If someone in your life is demanding you go into debt to prove you’re a good friend, they’re not a good friend.”
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Here Comes the Drama podcast: https://www.christainnis.com/podcast
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Transcript:
Tori Dunlap:
Welcome back to Financial Feminist. I am Tori. I’m a multimillionaire, a money expert, and I have helped over five million women be better with money. And today, we’re doing something a little different. We are re-releasing a conversation I had on the Here Comes the Drama podcast, hosted by Christa Innis, the creator behind Party Planning with Christa.
Here Comes the Drama is your front row seat to the most outrageous, unforgettable and laugh out loud moments from real life weddings and events, from bridesmaid betrayals to mother-in-law meltdowns, Christa tackles it all with humor, empathy, and practical advice.
In this episode, we’re diving into weddings, relationships, and of course, the money conversations that come with them. This is a highly requested topic on this show is the cost of weddings, the cost of being in weddings if you are not the one getting married. So, we’re talking from wedding budgets to financial transparency with your partner and of course, I’m sharing my signature, no-shame practical advice, plus some hot takes on wedding culture that you’re not going to want to miss.
The story at the end, we did a “Am I the asshole” at the end and oh buddy, they were the asshole. So, whether you’re planning your own wedding, standing beside a friend at someone else’s or just the love, a good spicy money conversation, this one’s for you.
We also created a free bridal party script that includes a deeper dive into some of the topics we’re getting into today and it helps you manage your money expectations as a bride or bridesmaid. So, it includes a transparent script from the bride to your bridesmaids about costs and expectations. It also includes exactly what to tell the bride when you can’t afford to be a bridesmaid or can’t afford part of being a bridesmaid, and as a bridesmaid, what to tell the bride when the budget needs to be revisited.
These conversations are so important because I don’t want you to feel bitterness towards your friends. I want your wedding day or your friend’s wedding day to be nothing but sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. And when money is involved and when expectations are involved, especially around bridal parties around the cost of the dress or the shoes or the makeup or the bachelorette party, I want everybody going in with eyes wide open.
So, you can get this free guide at herfirst100k.com/bride, that’s herfirst100k.com/bride. Make sure you download it. It’s going to be super useful. All right, let’s get into the episode, but first a word from our sponsors.
Christa Innis:
When we finally met the third coordinator, we discovered that the information from our original meeting had been completely mixed up. Even worse, what we originally were told was not correct. It was a total mess. Fast forward to our wedding weekend, oh my gosh, I can’t believe nothing was figured out before the wedding weekend. We were hit with a surprise charge from the venue that had never been disclosed and we were not financially prepared. We ended up maxing out our credit cards just to finish paying off the wedding. Oh no!
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Here Comes the Drama. I’m your host, Christa Innis, and today’s episode is packed with real talk and wild stories. We are tackling one of the biggest topics when it comes to weddings and relationships, finances. And please excuse me while I geek out for a second because I’m joined by the incredible Tori Dunlap, founder of Her First 100K, bestselling author of Financial Feminist, and host of the number one financial podcast for women. She’s a go-to voice for making smart money moves and building real wealth.
Today, Tori’s dropping financial advice for every couple, taking on rapid fire questions, sharing her unfiltered hot takes for wedding budgets, and helping me react to a wild wedding story you won’t believe. So, without further ado, let’s just get into it. Hi, Tori, thank you so much for coming on.
Tori Dunlap:
Thank you for having me.
Christa Innis:
I am so excited to talk to you. Like I said, I’ve been a huge fan of you for years. I think I found you in 2020 and your advice for women on finances seriously changed my life. I’m not going to get emotional geek out, but you just do so much for women. Thank you for being here. And can you just introduce yourself?
Tori Dunlap:
Thank you for all those kind words. It’s very sweet. That’s the mission of our work is to fight for women’s financial rights. So, I started Her First 100K as a side hustle in 2016. I was working in 9:00 to 5:00 in marketing, and then Donald Trump got elected, and I was 22.
I had just graduated college and I thought I was coming into adulthood and into womanhood in a very different country than what ended up happening, and I wanted to do something about it, and that election really radicalized me and I started having conversations with my woman friends, my girlfriends, they were coming to me and asking me questions about money, about how to pay off debt and how to save and how to invest in a Roth IRA, and I was lucky enough to have a really great financial education for my parents and I thought, “Well, maybe this is it.”
And as I grew in my own career and started realizing that there were certain situations that I could not get out of because I didn’t have the money, I couldn’t leave that toxic job, I couldn’t move out of a certain situation because I didn’t have the money. It was like, “Oh, this is the answer to a lot of what we struggle with as a member of any minority group.”
When you have money, you have options. You have the ability to leave a toxic situation, you have the ability to donate to causes you believe in or to travel or to go to therapy, and you just show up as the best baddest version of yourself when you are financially stable. And I started experiencing that in my own life and I was like, “This is the feeling I want for every single woman on the planet.”
So, I started Her First 100K. It is now a multi seven-figure business. We have helped over five million women save money, pay off debt, start investing. Our podcast, Financial Feminist, is the number one money podcast for women in the world. And I wrote a New York Times bestseller also called Financial Feminist, and this is my favorite thing to do is fight for women’s financial rights.
Christa Innis:
I love it, and I thought you were the perfect person to have on this show because as we talk about weddings and events and going to that next chapter, if that’s the next step, money is talked about so much when it comes into relationships, whether it’s moving in together, getting married, getting engaged, it can be a problem if it’s done the right way, it can help a relationship.
And so, I feel like you are the perfect person to have on because, and a lot of these stories that people send to me, they’re like, “Well, we don’t know how to have a budget for the wedding. We don’t know how to say no to people offering to pay and then dangling a string above us because they want control of the wedding.” And so, I feel money plays a huge part in this next chapter that people have.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, absolutely. And it’s interesting you’ve said that people are interested in having financial conversations because I love that, it’s usually not the case. We actually know that unfortunately the vast majority of people get married without having serious conversations about money. And it ends up being the number one reason or the number one cause of separation in relationships is financial problems, is lack of transparency.
So, these conversations about money hopefully start when you’re dating and then continue to when you get more serious and then when you move in together and then when you start talking about being married and then of course, the costs of the wedding. Typically, a pretty substantial cost for people. And so, I hope that everybody listening views money and financial wellness as wellness with the rest of their lives.
We talk about mental wellness a lot in our society now, mental health, we talk about of course, our physical health, our emotional health, but our financial health I would argue is absolutely paramount to all of the rest of those. We can’t go to the gym unless we have money to pay for the gym membership. We can’t go to therapy unless we have money. And especially in a healthy relationship, and especially before you enter into this new season of your life, it’s about to get really expensive. So, you need to be having conversations with your partner and decide what do I want my wedding? What do I want my marriage to look like?
Christa Innis:
Yeah, no, you make a really good point about so many couples do not talk about money until they get to the wedding part or they’re already married and they’re like, “Oh shit, my partner has debt,” or “This is going on and we’ve never talked about it,” or “How do we get through this together?” And that’s one thing I can straight up say, you helped me and my partner, who I’m now married to, but at the time it’s like we were living together, but it was, how do we figure out bills? We are going through all these weird stages together.
And so, I think it’s so important that we talk about it now in these stages, even listening that’s currently engaged or with a partner moving in, it’s so important to have those difficult conversations. And that’s one thing you helped me with too is because it’s awkward to talk about, especially when you grow up being like, “Don’t talk about money, it’s taboo,” and you need to have those taboo conversations.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, I mean it’s very similar to sex and we’re actually more likely to talk about any other uncomfortable topic before we’ll talk about money. So, we’ll talk about sex, death, politics, religion. We will have any uncomfortable topic to spare us from having a conversation about money. But I hope you’re talking about your sex life with your partner, I hope you talk about what you like and what you want and what your desires are and how you enjoy pleasure, right? That’s a huge part of a romantic relationship is your sexual health and your sexual life with this other person.
Money’s no different. It’s a little awkward to talk about. It’s a little scary. There’s a lot of emotional baggage and typically trauma that you bring into that conversation, but we need to talk about it and especially with our life partner.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so getting into it, I reached out to my audience to ask about some general questions when it comes to weddings and budgeting. Starting off, this is a big one, and I’ve seen some horror stories where people send them to me after about putting things on a credit card for a wedding and financing.
And I even, which I felt terrible for this girl, she reached out to me, this is a while back about she was a maid of honor, didn’t understand the responsibilities, there was not really a communication, and she ended up paying for every bachelorette party all on her credit card because she felt like she needed to be a good friend. So, is financing a wedding with a credit card a good or a bad idea, and what are your thoughts on that?
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, let’s talk about those two situations. So, one, if you are the person getting married, how should I pay for it? But then I have a lot of pot takes too about the bachelor-bachelorette parties…
Christa Innis:
Yes, love it.
Tori Dunlap:
… because that is getting more and more expensive.
Christa Innis:
Yes.
Tori Dunlap:
So, the first one, I do not want you going through what is hopefully one of the most beautiful, enjoyable days or experiences of your life thinking, “How am I going to afford this?” And this is the same thing when people put vacations on credit cards. Nothing tastes worse than a pina colada on the beach when you’re trying to relax with a side of guilt and with a side of like, I’m going to get home and the consequences will be there. I don’t want anything souring this day.
A lot of people go into debt, especially costly debt like credit cards because they’re like, “This is a once in a lifetime experience,” so YOLO, it doesn’t matter. And if you aren’t familiar with my work, I am not the financial expert that shames you for spending money. I’m not the financial expert that shames you for being in debt. So, I want to level set that.
However, again, I don’t want this beautiful thing being potentially tarnished when you realize that you’re going to be paying it off for the next six months, two years, five years, 10 years, and especially with credit card debt, that is the most costly kind of debt. You are in debt at least 15%, on average 22% interest for context, the average student loan right now is about 5 to 6%. So you’re taking out five-ish times the amount of a student loan to be able to take on what you’re deciding to put on this credit card.
And in addition, what a lot of people don’t understand about credit cards is that the interest compounds. So that means that the interest earns interest. Not all loans work this way. Mortgages typically don’t work this way, but credit cards do. So, the interest, every day you’re in debt, it’s earning you interest. And also, that interest doesn’t compound once a month. It compounds every day.
So, this is why credit card debt, in particular, can be so damaging. It affects our credit score for potentially years. It affects just your ability to take on and get a loan for something like a house in the future, and it also is just really, really expensive. So please don’t finance your wedding and that shouldn’t be a hot take. I think anybody who is in the financial space is going to give you the same advice.
Now, there are ways that you can think about the wedding of your dreams that don’t involve credit cards, and we can talk more about that. The second thing, let’s talk about the bachelor-bachelorette commitments. I have been in one bachelorette party and luckily, it was not the situation where it was a week-long bachelorette in Cabo with the yachts and the bottle service. I think transparency is going to be the recurring theme of this episode, which is you need to be transparent with your partner if you’re getting married and you need to be transparent with your bridal party.
So, what that looks like, I was actually just talking to somebody the other day that they got a form with, “Hey, what’s your budget?” I’m getting married. They sent it to their bridesmaids. What is your budget for these items? What is your budget for a dress? What is your budget for the bachelorette party? And then, based on that, created the whole bachelorette experience. So, I think it’s really important for the person getting married to lead that conversation.
Now, if you are not the person getting married and you are dealing with the, oh my gosh, these costs keep adding up and I don’t want to be a bad friend, it’s something I hear a lot as well. Okay, I’m going to get a little spicy.
Christa Innis:
I love it.
Tori Dunlap:
If someone in your life is demanding you go into debt to prove that you’re a good friend, they’re not a good friend. They’re just not. And if the bride is not sending out forms, having open conversations with you about how much things will cost, what you need to do is unfortunately, take on the burden of that conversation, which is going to them and doing what I love is a gratitude sandwich of feedback.
So, you’re going to go, “Oh, thank you for asking me to be a bridesmaid. I am so honored that you would think of me. Our friendship means so much to me.” Nice piece of bread, gratitude. Meat is the part where you have to talk about what’s going on in your brain and your body and your life. So, then you’re going, “[inaudible 00:14:38] finances are really tight right now and I really can’t afford to be in the bridal party, but I would love to support you, second piece of bread, in any other aspect of the wedding. And I’m so excited I will be there with bells on to support you and your partner.”
If you know you want to be a bridesmaid and maybe the conversations are happening where it’s like, “Oh my gosh, yeah, we are going to go to Europe,” and you’re like, “I can’t afford Europe,” then you go, again, “So excited, so happy. I am not in the financial position to be able to afford this.”
And then, give them options. You can say, “Hey, can we go somewhere else instead? If you’re committed to going to Europe, I’m going to sit this one out,” or I am going to come to half of the trip because I can’t afford the whole thing. I’m going to come to half and then I’m going to have to jet.”
And so, these conversations just need to be happening. I know it feels awkward, but I can tell you from the thousands of emails I have gotten, and I imagine you feel the same way that the awkwardness is so much worse when the resentment kicks in, when you’re going, “Oh my God, this has costed me $3,500 and I don’t have $3,500.” And it’s very hard to be authentically celebratory for this person when you’re harboring resentment. I don’t know how you feel about this.
Christa Innis:
A 100%. I get stories all the time where people then, after the fact, they feel like, “Oh, I spent all this money,” and we kind of dwindled away after the wedding, or they just have all these feelings built up. It goes back to feeling like they have to say yes to everything, and I get it. And I felt really glad that when it came time for my wedding, I had two bridesmaids that were like, “Hey, I’m not going to do the bachelorette party.” And I was like, “That’s great. I want absolutely no pressure for you guys.”
I even told my maid of honor, it’s okay. These are optional. I mean, I had been in plenty of weddings over the years and I saw how things can add up and it takes away, especially if you have kids or a partner at home, you don’t want to take off work sometimes, and I get it. I get it.
Tori Dunlap:
And I think especially with a maid of honor, you need to be having conversations about what the expectations are. Because some weddings, it’s just, yeah, it’s basically fancy title, but I don’t expect anything of you. And for some, it’s like you are a project manager full time, so you need to have a conversation. And also, what inevitably happens is that a lot of people get into the excitement of the wedding. We’ve all seen Father of the Bride, it’s like you get in the excitement of the wedding and the wedding keeps getting crazier.
So, if you are the maid of honor and you committed to something that has now changed, it’s time to have another conversation of just, “Again, I’m so excited for you all. This seems so incredible. I want you to have the wedding that you want. However, I’m at capacity here. I can’t do all of the things you’re asking me to do, and I’d rather come to you and talk to you about it than feel secretly harboring again, resentment or feelings because I want this to be a positive experience.”
So those are the kind of conversations you have to have that again, might feel uncomfortable, but ultimately, I want everybody to be able to enjoy this experience, to be able to enjoy this day, and the resentment, the guilt, the shame is not going to lead to an enjoyable experience.
Christa Innis:
Craving more wedding drama? Join my wedding party Patreon for Here Comes the Drama After Dark. Each month, we dive into juicy confessions, wedding 911 advice, and the spiciest hot takes. And of course, we always end with a wild wedding story reacting in real time.
From bridesmaids to groomsmen, mother-in-law madness to photographer fails, every month has a new theme. Patreon members get early access to all regular episodes and an exclusive chat to discuss the drama. Don’t just hear the drama, be a part of it. Join now. And absolutely, like you said, if you’re so nervous about telling a bride that, that they’re going to end your friendship over it, then they’re not a good friend.
Tori Dunlap:
That tells you a lot. That tells you a lot. And what you can do is if you’re in the bridal party, and I would recommend this for brides as well, is you do need to sit down and be like, “Head to toe, what is every single cost going to be?” Now, bachelorette party, the obvious costs are a flight, if you’re getting on a flight, lodging, restaurants, experiences, but it’s also Ubers to and from the airport.
It’s also the matching bachelorette T-shirts, it’s the drinks at the bar, and then a lot of people are taking the bridal party is paying for the bride’s experience. Is that part of the expectation? If so, how is that being split? Is it just the maid of honor? Is it split? If there’s five bridesmaids, is it split five ways? Those are the conversations you want to have because again, you don’t want to be in the moment when you’ve had a couple margaritas and you’re feeling good and then you start making a plan like you are inebriated. It’s not an authentic plan.
And again, nothing tastes worse than a pina colada with a side of guilt that applies to everything here. Nothing tastes worse than a beautiful wedding with a side of credit card debt. Nothing tastes worse than having a great experience in the moment and then waking up and going, I had to put all of that on my credit card last night because I can’t afford it.
So again, you have to have conversations, but you also need to make a financial plan when everything’s fine, when nothing is crazy, when you haven’t planned anything yet. So, you have the foundation that you need to stick to when there’s temptation to veer away from the plan.
Christa Innis:
Yes. Oh my gosh, that’s such good advice. So, I mean, I feel like that covers when we’re talking about managing your expectations. So, going into more of the wedding, I know we’re talking about, so don’t put on a credit card, what would you say to someone that’s like, how do I budget for this wedding? How do I plan for this? And I always tell people too, I’m like, let go of expectations of others because I think a lot of times, people want this big huge wedding with 500 people, for other people.
Tori Dunlap:
Yes.
Christa Innis:
They don’t think about, so what do my partner and I actually want? What’s true to us?
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, I think you make a great point where that’s what you need to start with is sitting down and having a conversation with your partner. What wedding do we want to have? And it’s not what wedding does Aunt Marge want us to have? What wedding does my mom want us to have? It’s what wedding do we want to have? Because ultimately, again, it is your day, and I know there’s a lot of familial pressure. I know that there’s a lot of people, a lot of cooks in that kitchen, but ultimately, this wedding is about a marriage.
The wedding is one day or for the crazy people, a week, two weeks, but the wedding is the beginning of a marriage. You are in partnership with this other person. You are not in partnership with your mom or your mother-in-law. You’re not in a marriage with your mother-in-law. You’re not in a marriage even with your maid of honor best friend. You are in a partnership in a marriage with your life partner. You need to make decisions and start acting like you’re in a marriage when you get married. The wedding is just a day. The marriage is a lifetime. So, you need to decide what you actually want with your partner.
Now again, easier said than done when there’s a lot of voices. However, I think getting on the same page without any of that pressure first, and maybe it’s journaling separately, what do I actually want? And again, not what have I seen in movies that tells me what I should want. What have I seen other people do that gives me a little bit of envy or jealousy? What do you actually want? Then, you need to ask yourself, can I afford what I actually want?
Now, sometimes the answer will be, “Yeah, we can do that.” And sometimes the answer will be, “No. We’d have to go into a lot of debt to do this.” So, we have to find a happy medium there because a lot of times, I want a Ferrari, I want a seven-month stay at the Four Seasons, but that is not in my budget. So, there’s a lot of things that we can want but that we can’t afford.
And again, I cannot emphasize this enough, it is very easy to get in the YOLO state of mind of hopefully we only get married once, so we’re going to go crazy. I do not want this day to be haunting you four years because you could not afford it. So, what do I want? Journal about that. Think about that. Come to your partner. What do we want together? And then, what can we actually afford?
So, the best thing to keep in mind is that obviously, weddings are going to be very expensive, but you need to determine in the wedding what is really important to you about this. Is it I want this particular dress and I’m willing to compromise on other things in order to have that. Great. I was actually just thinking about this the other day, my partner and I have been together for three years. I don’t think we’re getting married anytime soon, but I don’t know why I just thought about this. I’m like, what would be important at my wedding? And food is huge for me. And now, I’ve turned my partner into a foodie as well.
So, I was literally thinking, I was like, “When we get married, I think it will probably, the food is going to be the priority because I want every guest at the wedding to eat really well, and I want to have a memorable meal. So, I would be willing to compromise on other things, maybe that’s less crazy flowers, or I do my flowers myself and I want good food. So, I’m willing to compromise for that. My friend Paula Pant, who’s another financial expert says, “You can afford almost anything. You just can’t afford everything.
Christa Innis:
Love that.
Tori Dunlap:
And this is all of life is it’s like, I really want to go see Taylor Swift and Eras tour tickets are really expensive, so I’m willing to not drink as much coffee or I’m willing to not buy every piece of clothing I want to buy because I would rather do this other thing. So that’s what you need to ask yourself. It’s not deprivation, it’s actually strategic. It’s I really want this thing, so I’m going to compromise on this other thing so I can have this thing.
So that becomes then the next conversation of what can we afford and then where do we want to really spend our money? And then, you can determine what the budget should be and also what you know, yeah, I don’t want to compromise on that, but I’m willing to compromise on this, so I can have that.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, I love that and that really ties into one of the biggest lessons I always see you talk about, and that’s not shaming people for the coffee, buying your $4 coffee, whatever that is.
Tori Dunlap:
Right, totally.
Christa Innis:
If it’s something that you enjoy and it’s going to bring you happiness on that day, then do it. And if that’s something that’s in your budget, but if you’re just doing a really fancy ballroom because your parents got married there and they are really pushing you, maybe let’s say goodbye to that and do a smaller venue. So that’s such a great point because I think we get caught up in what everyone else wants.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, or it’s okay, we need to invite your uncle and aunt that you haven’t spoken to in 10 years just because they’re family and it’s like, “No. No.” It’s your wedding. You get to do whatever the hell you want to do. And I think that once you start setting those boundaries too with family, boundaries always feel like aggression for people who have never experienced a boundary.
So, it can just be like, “No, this is our wedding. We’re going to do this. No, but … No. No. This is our wedding. We’re going to do this.” And would love to see you, but if this makes you uncomfortable, we’ll see you, just see you at the reception or we’ll see you for dinner after. If they want to uninvite themselves from their behavior, great. That’s in their control.
I think I’m better at boundary setting than the average person, but that is the level of boundaries you need to have on a wedding day because families are insane and you need to 100% know what you and your partner want. Make sure you two are on the same team, you’re on the same page, and you are staying committed to what you actually want.
Christa Innis:
Yes, I always say if I would’ve gotten married to my now husband when we first started dating, it would’ve been so different because I think I would’ve been so much more easily persuaded because we were together almost six years before we got engaged or before we got married, and so I was early 20s. I feel like so much more easily, “Yeah, I should do that, okay,” but also our budget would’ve been way smaller. So, it’s like would I’ve gone into debt? Who knows?
And so, I feel now, by the time we did get married, it was like, we saw our friends do it. We saw what things we liked and we didn’t like, and then we were so much better at being, “This is what we want. We’re not going to have a huge wedding. We’re going to have standard amount. If I haven’t talked to you in over a year, you’re not getting invited.” That’s just how it was.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah. And at the end of the day, if we’re just looking at the legality of it, you and this person are signing a financial and legal contract. The wedding is something that, from a cultural and societal point, we have now put on this, and again, especially if you’re a person of color, there’s certain traditions, there’s certain cultural experiences, but at the end of the day, you and this person are signing a legal contract. Everything on top can be whatever the hell you want it to be.
We’ve just, in society, had a very specific version of what a wedding is. Even white dress, so many people now are wearing red dresses, they’re wearing pants suits, they’re not wearing dresses at all.
So, there’s so many ways that you can make this an authentic celebration of your love and excitement with this person, and it can be whatever you want it to be. It can just be, we’re getting married at a courthouse and we’re going and renting out the back room at a restaurant for the 20 people we want there. That’s a wedding. It doesn’t have to be a big hoopla if you don’t want it to be.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, I love that. I thought we would jump into a little wedding money rapid fire…
Tori Dunlap:
Love it.
Christa Innis:
… just to get things going, and then I’ve got a story that someone sent me, and we’ll react to that. So here we go. Okay. All right. I think I know what you’re going to say about this first one. Set the guest list or set the budget.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, I think we have to go budget first, but I think it can be a, you can do them at the same time of, I’m going to have a general budget and then, I’m going to have the guest list, and there’s going to probably be some people that don’t make the cut and it’s your wedding.
Christa Innis:
Yes. Yup. We always got to keep saying that. Cash fund or traditional gift registry?
Tori Dunlap:
Oh, you’ve given me the perfect opportunity to talk about something that I’ve been meaning to talk about forever. Oh my gosh.
Christa Innis:
I love it. I love it.
Tori Dunlap:
Sorry, this is no longer rapid fire, but give me a second.
Christa Innis:
It’s okay. I love it.
Tori Dunlap:
So, you know how in, let’s call it the ’50s, ’50s, ’60s, and I’m going to use the heteronormative relationship here, when a man was marrying a woman, especially in, let’s call it everything before really the 1970s, it was typically happening either at 18 and the woman was not attending university or it was happening basically the moment they graduated or even the semester before they graduated, people were getting married extremely young.
So, especially women would literally go from their parents’ house to their husband’s house. That was it. So, you’d go and you’d live your 18 years with your family and then, you’d get married or you’d go to college and then you’d get married. So, you did not have a life that was not living with somebody else. You did not have a life and stuff that you would’ve accumulated. You typically did not live alone.
This is my Nana. My Nana got married I think at 19 and had three kids by 25, and I think about that now and I’m like, “Oh my God.” So, we live in a society now where people are getting married a lot later. Women have a lot more now. The rights are dwindling every day, but a lot more rights. Women are getting more college degrees than men are. So, in our society, everything’s changed.
For me, I left my parents’ house at 18. I went to college until I was 22. I got my bachelor’s degree, and I have lived on my own. I still live on my own. I don’t live with my partner. I’m 30 years old, and so, I have eight years where I have bought my own blender and bought my own couch and bought my own desk and bought my own silverware. So, I think it’s changing, but there was this idea, especially 10 years ago of it’s tacky to ask for cash. I just want to buy you a toaster. And I’m like, “Okay.”
So now though, in a typical relationship, when I get married to my partner, my partner has a toaster and I have a toaster, and maybe we’ve moved in together and consolidated to one toaster, but we’ve already had a life where we have purchased a lot of the things that would typically go on a registry.
Now, weddings are perfect opportunity to ask for the things that you maybe couldn’t afford. Like, I’m going to get the really nice flatware. I’m going to get the really nice pots and pans, or the really nice knife, but this whole narrative around, “Oh, it’s tacky to just ask for money,” I’m like, it’s actually not, because the way that weddings happen at a societal level is so different. They happen later in life. Women have an increased education. People are getting married in a different way. They’ve typically already moved in together.
And so, I love a cash fund. That is my long-winded way of saying this, and I think it’s so unfair when people are like, “Why are they asking for cash? That’s tacky.” No, the way we view weddings has fundamentally changed. I already have a blender. My partner already has a blender. You don’t need to buy me a blender as a wedding gift. That is the third blender that I don’t need. I’ve already established my independent life.
Christa Innis:
Yes. Two things that I always see about cash funds anytime I post about it, either I should say showers or registries, right? People one, can’t understand when a bride in a traditional heteronormative relationship would want their groom there, would want a guy there. Why are guys there? That’s one question I always see.
And the other one I always see is I’m not paying for a honeymoon. I’m not paying for this, and I go, “If you give money at a wedding, you don’t have control over what they use it for. They can use it for their lunch tomorrow. They could use it for bedsheets or they could use it for a pina colada on the beach.” Why does that matter?
Tori Dunlap:
Well, and let’s be honest, if you buy me a blender and I already have a blender, I’m going to the store, returning the blender and getting the money.
Christa Innis:
Getting the cash.
Tori Dunlap:
So just give me the money. But it’s also like we have all of these sites. I think Zola is one of them, that’ll say, “You can buy the couple dinner on their honeymoon.” And I love that because it feels like ultimately it’s just money, but it feels a little bit more like, I am buying this person something. I’m buying them an experience on their honeymoon. I am helping them contribute to their down payment on a house fund.
So that’s a nice happy medium of I’m gifting them this experience. Does it go into a big cash fund? Yeah, it does, but I am buying them this experience that they can now do on their honeymoon or after getting married. So, I think that, yeah, I just hate the whole cash is tacky. I’m like, “No, it’s not.” The entire concept of marriage is so different than it was 50 years ago. Everything’s different. So yeah, I hate that whole narrative.
Christa Innis:
Yes. Oh my gosh, I love that. Back to the rapid fire.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, sorry.
Christa Innis:
No, you’re good. No, I love it. I love the discourse. Splurge on honeymoon or save it for a house?
Tori Dunlap:
I think it’s up to you. It’s up to the couple. If buying a home is really important, great. Again, it’s a tradeoff, right? I really want a house, so I’m okay doing a less crazy honeymoon. Nope, I really want to travel. I want to have a once in a lifetime travel experience. I’m not interested in buying a house or that doesn’t make sense for us, or I’d rather rent. Okay, great. Crazy honeymoon it is.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, love it. Bigger emergency fund before the wedding or after?
Tori Dunlap:
I mean, if you can do it before, do it before, but this is again, where we hopefully are saving a separate wedding fund from our emergency fund. Your emergency fund is truly for emergencies. It is for when shit hits the fan. If you’re familiar with my work, you know it’s the number one thing I counsel people to do. It’s the first financial goal you should be saving for, but if that is separate, those can be separate from the amount of money you’re spending on the wedding.
Christa Innis:
All right, I got two more. Pay off debt first or save for the wedding?
Tori Dunlap:
Depends on the kind of debt. If you’re in credit card debt, that is really expensive and we want to get that paid off before we prioritize saving more aggressively. However, my answer for a lot of things is like, why not both? If you can do both at the same time, especially if the wedding’s getting closer, I don’t want you just so focused on paying off your debt that you suddenly have a $50,000 wedding that you’ll have to go back into debt for. So, if we can do both, do both.
Christa Innis:
All right, and last one, split the wedding cost 50/50 or based on income?
Tori Dunlap:
Oh, I love this one. I think most things, if not all things, in a relationship should be split based on your income. I have been very vocal about this. I’m a multimillionaire. I make a lot more money than my partner. My partner makes about $65,000 a year. So, we are in very different tax brackets and everything from a big deal from getting married to just splitting the cost of a trip, we have a conversation and it’s never 50/50 because that’s not equitable.
I’m not looking for equal. I’m looking for equitable. So, I make a lot more than he does. It is my responsibility to spend more than he does. It does not make sense to split our rent 50/50. So maybe it’s 70/30, 80/20, you guys get to figure that out. But nobody is walking into a marriage with the exact same financial situation as somebody else, the exact same amount of debt, the exact same salary with benefits, the exact same earning potential even. So that is something definitely that you should chat about with your partner.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, I love that. I learned that from you as well. That’s how my partner and I’ve always worked everything because we’re like, it’s not fair to be completely 50% if we make different money, so I love that.
Hey, drama lovers, big news, my book, Here Comes the Drama: A Ferris & Sloan story, is officially out now. If you’ve been following their wild wedding saga online, this is the full story packed with messy twists, sharp banter, family chaos, and all the heart you’ve come to love and judging by your messages and posts, you’re loving it too.
Huge thanks to everyone who’s already grabbed a copy early and shared it on social media. Your support means everything. If you haven’t read it yet, now is the time. Head to christainnis.com/book or click the link in the show notes. It’s available in both print and ebook. Grab your copy before the spoilers start showing up in the comment sections because trust me, you’ll want to experience every jaw dropping moment for yourself.
Let’s jump into this week’s story submission. So, what we do is just, I’ll just read a story. We’ll stop and react to it, and we’ll just go with the flow. This says, “We were so excited to have finally chosen our wedding venue and secured our date. Planning could officially begin. We were assigned a venue coordinator and scheduled a meeting with her to go over all the details.
The meeting went great. We left feeling confident, but the very next day we received an email saying, ‘Our coordinator had accepted a new job and we’d be assigned a new one.'” Here we go. Oh gosh. “We were told not to worry. All the information from our meeting, the venue layout choices, ceremony, and reception were all shared with her. They would be passed along to this new coordinator.
A few weeks later, we received an introduction email from our newly assigned coordinator. She encouraged us to reach out with any questions and scheduled our final meeting with her before the wedding. Naturally, we had several questions, so I emailed her and waited. Weeks went by without a response. I sent a follow-up message, still nothing. I tried calling, no answer. Eventually, I contacted the head coordinator at the venue who informed me that our coordinator was on leave just weeks before our wedding, and we would be assigned another new coordinator.” Gosh.
“When we finally met the third coordinator, we discovered that the information from our original meeting had been completely mixed up. Even worse, what we originally were told was not correct. It was a total mess. Fast forward to our wedding weekend, oh my gosh, I can’t believe nothing was figured out before the wedding weekend.
We were hit with a surprise charge from the venue that had never been disclosed, and we were not financially prepared. We ended up maxing out our credit cards just to finish paying off the wedding.” Oh, no. This is a nightmare situation. If you guys are just listening, you can’t see the video, Tori just-
Tori Dunlap:
Oh, I’m having a full meltdown.
Christa Innis:
Oh, gosh. Gosh, here we go. “So, they ended up maxing out credit cards just to finish paying off the wedding because we were told the event couldn’t proceed until it was fully paid.” That’s unheard of. Why would they just all of a sudden say that to them? They didn’t offer any payment plans either. That seems very odd. “One of the wildest moments was when we were told after paying for a ceiling treatment,” wait, what? “That we would also need to pay an additional fee to have it installed.” Are they building a new building for them? That is, insane.
Tori Dunlap:
I mean, a ceiling treatment being like tool or ribbon hung from the ceiling. That’s what, in my head, ceiling treatment.
Christa Innis:
Maybe.
Tori Dunlap:
No?
Christa Innis:
Yeah, you know what? You might be right. I think that’s it. I’m like picturing them building out a whole new building.
Tori Dunlap:
Oh yeah, and at first I was like, “Are they taking the popcorn off the ceiling or something?”
Christa Innis:
Yeah. What? That is insane. So then, there’s-
Tori Dunlap:
So, is the question what to do?
Christa Innis:
“So, they’re not only paying for this item, they’re paying for it to be installed, which you would think that would be included in that price. We told them to remove it from the invoice because we simply couldn’t afford to pay for something we thought we had already bought because it was supposed to be included.
At the reception, the coordinator who was supposed to be there, never showed up.” Oh my gosh. I would be, this is terrible. “The venue staff were rude to my family during setup. I had planned for lawn games during cocktail hour, but when my mom started setting them up, one of the staff members said, ‘Why are you setting those up? Don’t do that. No one will play them.’ My poor mom decided it wasn’t worth the fight and just didn’t set them up, which upset me. The bartenders were rude to the guests and didn’t even have enough of what we ordered for our specialty cocktails.
The venue only set six chairs at each table instead of eight.” Was this their first venue or first wedding? It seems like they don’t know what to do. “As shown on our seating chart, so guests left without places to sit. People were literally carrying chairs from table to table to sit with their group.
Finally, it was time to cut the cake, the cake cutting set by the venue was supposed to provide and was then nowhere to be found.” Oh, their cake cutting set. “Someone had to run and grab a random knife so they could cut our cake. Despite all the chaos, we absolutely loved our wedding, but wow, it was definitely a wild ride.” I love when they’re so positive at the end. I’m like, [inaudible 00:41:03].
Tori Dunlap:
No. I was hoping. I was like, “Please tell me you at least had a good time, Jesus.”
Christa Innis:
Oh, what would you do in that situation?
Tori Dunlap:
I got it. I’m going to fix this person’s entire life.
Christa Innis:
Okay, love it.
Tori Dunlap:
Here we go. First thing is gather every single piece of documentation you have about everything that went wrong. So, everything of those emails that you never got a response to, the document, there was no cake cutting. There was not enough chairs, there was an additional fee. Even though hopefully you have notes from the original call, and hopefully you have a date on those notes. So, we’re going to go, yeah, I’m going full like detective FBI here. So, you need full documentation of everything. So that’s the first thing. So, gather all of that documentation.
The second thing you’re going to do is you’re going to go to the venue and you’re going to ask them to make it right. This is their first opportunity, is you’re going to gratitude sandwich. Again, thank you for doing, find some nice things that they did about. “Thank you for taking care of us.” I wouldn’t say even say even taking care of us, because they didn’t. “Thank you for hosting our special day. We appreciated you did this and this and this.”
And you’re then going to go a full block of an email, “This was not right. This was the expectation set. We felt extremely unsupported. There was additional costs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is what we expect.” You’re going to ask for a full refund on the wedding, a full refund.
Christa Innis:
Yes.
Tori Dunlap:
They’re probably going to tell you no, but you’re going to ask for a full refund on the wedding. If you get hostility back, you’re going to go to your credit card company and you’re going to dispute the charge. This is rule number three. So, credit cards, one of the best things about credit cards is when used responsibly, they’re incredible tools for situations like this.
I spent this money and did not get what I asked for or the expectation. I was charged this amount of money. It’s like, “I was double charged by this company for no reason.” You get to dispute the charge. So, you’re going to call your credit card company, you’re going to tell them everything. You’re going to be like, “I have documentation, I have receipts. I can send them all to you, and you’re going to dispute the charge.”
So, the biggest two things is you’re going to go back and forth with the venue and you’re going to get, it’s not even Karen, because you’re asking for something that’s totally understandable, but you’re going to be like, “If you don’t make this right, I’m not going to be able to recommend this venue. I am going to basically forced to leave a poor review. This was not a pleasurable experience and I need you to make it right. You did not offer me a coordinator. I did not hear from them for weeks. There were additional charges that were not transparent.”
If you have the contract, you hopefully signed a contract with a vendor, go through the contract, see what was in the contract versus what wasn’t, and then again, hopefully they refund you at least partially. If you either don’t get a refund or just get a partial refund, go dispute it with your credit card. Hope this helps.
Christa Innis:
Yes. Oh my gosh, perfect advice because that is just, I feel like so many times…
Tori Dunlap:
Unreal.
Christa Innis:
… when I get stories sent from brides, they’re just looking back on it and be like, “This sucks,” and just feel they have to deal with it. I love [inaudible 00:44:04].
Tori Dunlap:
No, I will give anybody listening, if something does not go right at your wedding, that was in somebody’s control, not the weather, not something crazy, but in their control, negotiate it. Negotiate it every single time. I know somebody who literally got their wedding basically 50% off. The photographer didn’t show up on time, so they were like, “Hey, I want half off the photos.” The venue was supposed to have this. It didn’t. They negotiated 25% off of that.
There’s already an insane upcharge as soon as you put the word wedding on anything and you expected a service that was not completed, therefore you should not have to pay the full amount. That’s just it. So, if anybody’s out there who’s like, “Oh, but I don’t want to be an inconvenience.” No, you spent your hard-earned money and this person went into debt…
Christa Innis:
[inaudible 00:44:54].
Tori Dunlap:
… to try to pay for this. So, you need to dispute it. You need to have a conversation. Anytime something goes wrong and it’s significant enough, it’s not like, I don’t know. “Oh, the tablecloths were slightly the wrong color.” No, that’s too minuscule. But if something significant goes wrong that impacts your or your guest’s experience, negotiate it. Negotiate it.
Christa Innis:
I love it. I love it because I think most people don’t even feel they have the opportunity to do that. I learned that from you too, is where you can call phone bills or internet bill, call them. Never just completely accept something without calling and looking into it first. And you made a good point too about when you have meetings like this, whether it’s a wedding or anything else, a big, large sum of money, write things down, record things…
Tori Dunlap:
Document it.
Christa Innis:
… have email, because I think a lot of times things happen on the phone. I had a crazy [inaudible 00:45:44].
Tori Dunlap:
This is what I recommend for work too, is if I have a conversation with somebody on the phone, I will send them a follow-up email of, “Hey, it was so great to talk to you. As a reminder to both of us, here’s everything we discussed, because then I have a time stamp, I have correspondence that they have received it. So, unless they email back and they’re like, “No, that’s not correct,” we assume that we’re on the same page. So, then, you have documentation of all of it.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, I love that. This is a very small side story, but I learned my lesson with this recently. We were signing up for self-employment insurance or whatever, and this guy, I noticed, was only on the phone and then things didn’t go through, but I got triple charged and all of a sudden it was this crazy scam thing, but I had no emails to show it. I’m like, “I swear, this is what he said to me.” And so now, I’m never just going on the phone with an insurance guy. I need proof.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, and again, a lot of these conversations do happen in person or over the phone. So, take notes while they’re happening in a notebook or on your phone. And then, I know it seems tedious and hopefully you won’t need them, but you’re going to then email everybody you talk to and be, “Hey, thank you so much.” You can do this at work.
Again, this is at work. This is in your wedding and planning. It’s just going, “Hey, here’s everything we discussed today. If any of this is incorrect, please let me know. So looking forward to seeing you again, meeting with you again,” you have to have documentation of it because it really comes in handy for situations like this.
Christa Innis:
Yes, I love that. One final thing. People send me their wedding hot takes, so I’m going to read just two of them and just give me your quick opinion on them. I know we probably covered some of these, but this person said, “Spending the equal amount of a down payment for a house on a wedding is insane.” This is a really controversial thing, I think.
Tori Dunlap:
If you can afford it, fine. I think it only gets controversial if you can’t afford it. And again, I think some people don’t want to be homeowners or they can’t be homeowners. So personal finance is personal. That’s what I always say at Her First 100K, but if you’re going into debt, yeah, absolutely not.
Christa Innis:
Yeah. Last one. I mean, this is going to be like a personal, but this says, “Real flowers are the biggest waste of money. Go without and get artificial ones as they last.”
Tori Dunlap:
Again, if it’s important to you, I think real flowers would be important to me at my wedding because I love them. But I live in Seattle where Pike Place Market is, this is what a lot of people do in Seattle is they don’t get the florist in the crazy things is they’ll go the day before. Go down to Pike Place Market, get basically the farm fresh flowers that are there, and then have their crafty mom or mother-in-law with them, put the bouquets together. Great way to get fresh flowers on a budget.
But you can also, I’ve seen people do fresh flowers with faux flowers or prioritize, I’m going to have a big bouquet, but my bridesmaids are just going to carry eucalyptus or something like that. That’s less expensive. Again, if you can afford it and it’s a priority for you, great. It just means you maybe can’t have something else that you might want to.
Christa Innis:
Yeah. I was just telling someone, one of the prettiest bouquets I saw at a wedding, I was helping with a wedding once, total DIY on a campground, and we pulled wildflowers the day before.
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, love it.
Christa Innis:
And threw them on the tables and they looked so beautiful. So, you got to do what you can work with.
Tori Dunlap:
Just keep in mind, I have a good friend who’s a florist and she’s seen the horror stories of, if you have a bunch of beautiful flowers and it’s going to be hot at the wedding, those flowers will wilt like nobody’s business. So, if you’re getting married in the middle of the summer in Italy, you just understand that your flowers, your venue, is going to have to understand what to do with those flowers so that they don’t wilt. You just need to have that expectation too.
Christa Innis:
Yeah, something I definitely think about. Well, thank you so much for coming on. I’m always learning so much from you. Like I said, I’m a huge fan of your podcast. I have your book.
Tori Dunlap:
Thank you.
Christa Innis:
The information, the content you share is just so important for women, not only just women, but women to learn, and I just really appreciate your time.
Tori Dunlap:
Thank you so much for having me.
Christa Innis:
So, one last thing, can you just tell everyone where they can find your work, follow you, and then anything exciting that you’re working on?
Tori Dunlap:
Yeah, so Her First 100K is where you can find me, herfirst100K.com or @herfirst100K. We have over five million other financial feminists who would love to come see you. Financial Feminist is the name of my book and podcast. Wherever you’re listening right now, you’ll find Financial Feminists there too. And we always have a lot of really cool stuff we’re working on.
I think my favorite thing right now is we launched one of our programs called, The 100K Club, and it’s basically all of the resources you need to get your first 100K. So, for people trying to pay off debt, trying to learn how to spend mindfully, trying to save, we have an incredible community. We do live events, we do coaching with me, and so yeah, you can find all the information at herfirst100K.com.
Thank you so much for having me on. You can follow, Here Comes the Drama, wherever you get your podcasts, and don’t forget to grab your free bridal party script at herfirst100K.com/bride. Thank you, as always, for being here Financial Feminist. Thank you for supporting Feminist Media. We’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
Thank you for listening to Financial Feminist a Her First $100K podcast. For more information about Financial Feminist, Her First $100K, our guests and episode show notes, visit financialfeministpodcast.com. If you’re confused about your personal finances and you’re wondering where to start, go to herfirst100k.com/quiz for a free personalized money plan.
Financial Feminist is hosted by me, Tori Dunlap. Produced by Kristen Fields and Tamisha Grant. Research by Sarah Sciortino. Audio and video engineering by Alyssa Midcalf. Marketing and Operations by Karina Patel and Amanda Leffew. Special thanks to our team at Her First 100K, Kailyn Sprinkle, Masha Bakhmetyeva, Sasha Bonar, Rae Wong, Elizabeth McCumber, Daryl Ann Ingman, Shelby Duclos, Meghan Walker, and Jess Hawks. Promotional graphics by Mary Stratton, photography by Sarah Wolfe, and theme music by Jonah Cohen Sound. A huge thanks to the entire Her First 100K community for supporting our show.
Tori Dunlap
Tori Dunlap is an internationally-recognized money and career expert. After saving $100,000 at age 25, Tori quit her corporate job in marketing and founded Her First $100K to fight financial inequality by giving women actionable resources to better their money. She has helped over five million women negotiate salaries, pay off debt, build savings, and invest.
Tori’s work has been featured on Good Morning America, the New York Times, BBC, TIME, PEOPLE, CNN, New York Magazine, Forbes, CNBC, BuzzFeed, and more.
With a dedicated following of over 2.1 million on Instagram and 2.4 million on TikTok —and multiple instances of her story going viral—Tori’s unique take on financial advice has made her the go-to voice for ambitious millennial women. CNBC called Tori “the voice of financial confidence for women.”
An honors graduate of the University of Portland, Tori currently lives in Seattle, where she enjoys eating fried chicken, going to barre classes, and attempting to naturally work John Mulaney bits into conversation.
