Hey Financial Feminists, Tori here. I recorded this episode in a quiet moment just after the recent election, with the hope it reaches those of you feeling a mix of exhaustion, grief, and perhaps even frustration. If you’ve found yourself questioning your hope, or if you’re wrestling with the weight of the world as we navigate through these uncertain times, I hope you’ll join me as I share how I’ve chosen to respond to this moment.
What I want you to know:
- Your hope was not stupid. I want you to know that your hope was not naive or foolish. Even when outcomes don’t align with our expectations, holding onto hope keeps us connected to possibility and purpose. It’s essential, especially during tough times.
- Processing your pain is essential. It’s crucial to fully experience our emotions—grief, anger, despair—before diving back into the work of change. I’ve allowed myself to feel everything, to rest and to heal, because we can’t pick ourselves back up until we’ve fallen apart.
- You must disengage from the riptide. I’ve decided to step back from the constant flood of news and social media—the “MAGA Riptide.” By disengaging from this overwhelming cycle, I can protect my peace and focus on meaningful, grounded engagement that truly makes a difference.
- Be the love in the room. Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert, my goal is to be “love in the room.” I strive to create spaces of warmth, acceptance, and care, showing up authentically for my community. This mission helps me stay aligned with my purpose and gives me the energy to support others.
- Community is everything. I’ve realized that community is the foundation of resilience and change. While systemic challenges persist, connecting with those around us and building supportive networks is where real, lasting change begins. Together, we can navigate these times by lifting each other up.
Notable quotes
“Your hope was not stupid.”
“You cannot pick yourself back up again until you’ve fallen apart.”
“Community is all that we have and all that we’ve ever had, really.”
“You cannot escape the riptide if you’re caught in the riptide.”
“The moment we stop hoping is the moment that this world doesn’t become fun to live in anymore.”
Mentioned in this episode:
We Can Do Hard Things Podcast episode
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Transcript:
Tori Dunlap:
Hi, Financial Feminists. I am recording this two days after the results of the presidential election. I just got back from my walk. The sun is shining. I slept better than I thought I would, I think because I was so exhausted from the previous day. And I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling around in my body and I know loves that you do, too. I know you do too. Originally I was not going to record an episode because I didn’t feel like I had anything to say. But I am coming to you from the quiet. It’s about 8:00 AM. Kristine’s not on. She doesn’t even know I’m doing this. And a lot of the things that I’m processing and feeling I think might be helpful for you to process and feel and hear as well.
A lot of what I’m going to say today is not new. It’s inspired from Amanda Litman, who’s a previous guest on this show who’s a political strategist. It’s inspired by an episode of We Can Do Hard Things, which I really need it this morning. And frankly, Black and brown activists have been talking about this shit for centuries. So none of this is new, but are the things that I am holding onto that are really, really, really going to help. The first one, your hope was not stupid. I need you to know that your hope was not stupid. You feeling optimistic and hopeful, and maybe this can actually happen and I think this will happen and this will happen.
And then all of it crashing down around you can lead you to feel like you were naive and that maybe you didn’t know enough or maybe you weren’t paying attention enough. That might be true, but it also might also be true that your hope is not stupid. If you felt hope, if you felt optimism, if you felt excitement, even with an asterisk, and I know I did. That’s not stupid. I woke up on the morning after the election feeling like, God, who was I to hope? That was so naive? That was so ridiculous. I gave all this time and all this money and all this energy to something and it didn’t work out, and what a fucking idiot I am.
But that’s everything, right? Hope is everything, even if it doesn’t work out. And the moment we stop hoping is the moment that this world doesn’t become fun to live in anymore. Hoping about anything, right? Hoping about maybe your crush likes you back. Hoping that maybe your sports team is going to win this year. Hoping that you are exactly as powerful as you think you are. If you hoped you are not stupid, if you hoped you are not naive, if you hoped you are not an idiot, that is actually one of the most beautiful things you can do and is something that feels like a little light inside of us that we held onto when things felt really, really dark. And if we lose that hope, it sounds so dramatic and sounds like a quote from Lord of the Rings or some shit, but like evil wins.
If you lose hope, if you lose optimism, if you lose joy, evil wins. The darkness wins. The shadow wins. So if you feel like that hope was naive, it was not. The second thing is you might even be listening to this episode and I have some more stuff I’m going to say after this point. And you’re like, “Tori, I can’t even do this right now.” I can’t even do this right now. I’m crying at da clurb. I can’t do this right now. I spent all of yesterday doing absolutely nothing productive. I spent all of yesterday knowing that I was going to get to the point of past grief, past despair, past denial, and into action and anger. But I did not rush it. I didn’t rush it. I was a mess yesterday from me finding out the election results because I went to bed at 10:45 before Pennsylvania was called, and I was just like, “I need to go to bed.”
And then I woke up every two hours being like, “Oh God, what happened?” And then reassuring myself, “Nope, we’re going to live in blissful ignorance for a little while longer.” And then woke up at 6:45, go check my phone and my partner said from bed, “You don’t want to do that.” And I was like, “Well, that tells me everything.” And then just collapsed in the bed and sobbed. And basically didn’t stop sobbing all of yesterday. Like the neighbors are going to call someone to check on me kind of sobs. Where I’m not breathing and I’m wailing. I was not doing well yesterday.
And if that’s where you’re at, I need you to process that. I need you to work through that. Both because it’s literally somatically the thing you need to do. You need to get it out of your body, you need to process it, you need to move through it. But also because we cannot be in this fight. You cannot pick yourself back up again until you fallen apart. Does that make sense? There’s more work to do and you know it and I know it, but I’m going to be here waiting for you and that’s okay. We’re going to be here waiting for you. We’re going to wait until you’re ready. So if you need to wail, if you need to smash fucking pumpkins with a baseball bat, which by the way, great budget rage room, especially right now, there’s some pumpkins out there that some grocery store still trying to sell.
Cool, pumpkins, baseball bat, rage room, boom! If you are in the processing phase or if you think you’re fine and you need to go back to the processing phase because honestly I’m not fine. But I’m doing okay right now at this very moment. I might be crying later today. I might be raging next week. I’m sure I will be because as we know, the stages of grief are not linear. They’re going to go back and forth. If you’re still in denial, if you’re still processing, that’s okay. That’s completely okay. Do what you got to do. I did it. I did it yesterday. I was an absolute wreck. I didn’t work. I didn’t do anything. I just cried. I was like, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
I just ask regardless of where you’re at that you take really, really good care of yourself, that you don’t beat yourself up. That you don’t say, “I should be over this by now.” That you don’t say, “Tori. You need to suck it up.” Just do what you got to do. Do what you got to do. Give yourself so much grace. We’ll be here. This right here is … God, it’s so important. I spent the past two years listening to probably anywhere from 2 to 10 plus hours a week of news/election podcasts. As we got closer, that’s all I was doing.
I listened to The Run-Up, which is the New York Times’ dedicated show about the election. I listened to every single episode and they started that coverage over a year ago, maybe even two years ago. I listened to every episode. I was on social media every single day, both trying to consume any kind of content, but also getting very stressful inflammatory election content. And I called my partner yesterday in the midst of my grieving and I said, “I can’t do this,” meaning the consumption for the next four years, every single day, every single week. I can’t do that level of consumption on.
On We Can Do Hard Things, they called it the MAGA riptide. And I’m going to tell you because I think it’s the perfect metaphor.
When you’re in the riptide and it’s swirling and swirling and swirling, you cannot escape the riptide if you’re caught up in it. If you’re doggy-paddling and trying to swim and thinking, “Oh, I need to stay in it,” the only thing it does is deplete you. If you’re trying to fight the riptide while in the riptide, the only thing it’s doing is depleting you. And please go listen to the episode because they have a way better way of explaining this and better with words than I am.
But our nervous systems, our hope, our optimism, our very existences, our peace is threatened every time we get sucked into the riptide. And it doesn’t mean opting out, it doesn’t mean not engaging at all, because that’s a fucking privilege. It doesn’t mean, “Oh, I’m just going to bury my head in the sand and my problems don’t exist,” right? It’s actually one of the most radical things you can do, and I’m thinking a lot about this because I don’t know about you.
I cannot survive four plus more years of daily updates about what Donald Trump is or is not doing. I cannot survive that. Again, we did four years of that. You remember how bad it was? It was awful. I can’t do that again. I doubt you can do that again, nor should you. That is not productive. That is not being a politically engaged citizen. That is just like cutting yourself over and over and over again, right? It’s like putting your hand on a hot stove and being like, “Ah, that burns. Ah, that burns” but I need to keep my hand on here. “Ah, that burns,” right?
The riptide is not productive. So I’m not opting out because a complete opt-out is a privilege. I am disengaging from the riptide because the media just wants to see a click and just wants to get your eyeballs so that it can sell more ads whether that is Fox News or MSNBC. I’m not lumping them all in together, but I also kind of am. They’re here to make money. They’re not here to make you feel better. The news is not here to make you feel better. The news is here to get you to continue to come back like you’re an addict.
I have to disengage from the riptide if I’m actually going to opt in more effectively because, and we’ve said it so many times on this show, if you are depleted, if you are broken, if you are tired, if you are a shell of yourself, how effective of a person, of a mother, of a caregiver, of a giving human are you really going to be? If you are caught in that riptide and you’re just swimming and swimming and swimming, and suddenly, you don’t have any energy to swim anymore, what do we do?
So I came to this conclusion yesterday that I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep listening and trying to get more information thinking that it’s going to soothe me. At least when it comes to Donald Trump, when has more information actually soothed you? I was sitting there yesterday grieving, crying literally on the floor, and I’m still on my phone scrolling through the news app and scrolling through social media thinking, “Oh, this next video is going to make me feel better. Oh, this next video is going to give me some salvation.” And maybe for a second, but not long term, not even short term. It’s like for a second, for a fleeting moment, and then I get more stressed and I get more freaked out.
So I’m coming to you as an individual telling you that I am disengaging from the riptide. I am also coming to you as a business owner with a promise. You can hold me to this. I will not be running Her First $100K, our content that we post on social media, the topics that we talk about here on Financial Feminist by engaging in the riptide. I’m not going to do it. I’m going to continue to try to keep you as informed as you need to be. We’re going to continue talking about really, really deep good things to make you a better human and to make you a better financial feminist. But we will not be engaging in the riptide.
I will not be popping on here on our intros and being like, “Did you see what Donald Trump did last week?” And I’m doing this both so that you know where my heart is at, but also as an accountability thing for me, because if I tell you I have to stay accountable to it. I’m not going to do that. Our company’s not going to do that. I’m not going to be sharing posts on stories anymore of every inflammatory thing that Donald Trump says about trans people or every inflammatory thing that somebody in his cabinet did or said.
Not because I’m not informed, not because I am burying my head in the sand, but because I have actual work to do. My actual work is you. My actual work is to make sure that I can help as many women as possible have as many choices as possible. That’s my actual work. The rest of it is noise. It’s not productive. It’s not helpful. It just makes me suffer and makes you suffer and makes rest and resistance a whole fucking lot harder. And that’s not an accident.
The MAGA riptide is not an accident. When we get sucked all in, we’re only hurting ourselves and our communities and the people who really, really need us. So what does this look like? This morning … This is nothing to these podcasts. I’m just telling you what I am disengaging with. I unsubscribed from the Daily, which is the New York Times Daily Show, and sometimes it’s about Donald Trump, sometimes it’s not, but I don’t want to take the chance. I know I need to go cold turkey or it’s not going to work for me.
I unsubscribed from The Run-Up. I don’t know if they’re doing more episodes, but I don’t need more election content. I love Pod Save America, man. I love the hosts. I love their movement. I had to unsubscribe and who knows? I might come in and scroll through episodes and click on ones that feel right and listen to them then, that’s fine. But for right now, I don’t need more. I don’t need more information. I don’t need more consumption. I don’t need more analysis. I don’t need more “God, can you fucking believe what Donald Trump did today?” I don’t need any more of that.
I am going to unfollow any accounts that feel that way. That’s almost all news accounts. Again, I know that it’s very easy to hear me say this and be like, “Tori’s completely disengaging.” I’m not. People manage to be well-informed before social media and podcasts. If it’s big enough, I’m going to hear about it. I’m not going to not hear about it. I’m just removing myself from the riptide because it’s addictive. Social media is addictive. The Trump news, MAGA riptide is addictive. It’s addictive, and it’s not productive. It is not helpful. It only spikes my cortisol, spikes my nervous system, fuels me full of adrenaline, and I have nowhere to put it. I would rather spend my limited energy and time and effort on things that I know are going to make a difference than the noise.
I’m also going to make sure, and I do this already, that I am auto-donating to the sorts of organizations I want to see more of. It’s going to happen without me having to think about it, that way you continue to stay engaged. I have my auto-donation to Planned Parenthood. I have my auto-donations to shelters in the Pacific Northwest that support women getting back on their feet. I have my auto-donations to the Environmental Protection Agencies. I think that’s … No, the EPA is like the … You know what I’m trying to say, but protect the rainforest.
And I am re-engaging with you all and with the people in my immediate community, and not just the Her First $100K community, but my friends, my family. I am re-engaging to pour into that community. And again, Black activists have been saying this forever, because that’s where I’m most needed and that is where I could be the most productive, is doing this work at Her First $100K, is taking good care of my friends, is taking good care of my team, is thinking about how I can get more involved locally.
How can I volunteer? How can I donate money or time in a concrete way to the organizations that I know are making a difference that I can see and that I can participate in? On We Can Do Hard Things, they talked about this a lot, so please go listen to that episode. But they were talking about how any resistance movement starts with community and starts with what you can do and pour into the community that’s around you right now. Disengaging from the noise, disengaging from the MAGA riptide, disengaging from all of the shit that is only meant to keep you stressed and anxious and with an activated nervous system and instead, re-engage in the things that you can actually make a difference in.
I can’t do four more years of participating in the MAGA riptide. I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought, “Oh, it’s me being well-informed” and fine. I’m not going to shame myself for that. I was really well-informed, and I’m going to continue being well-informed with a shit ton of boundaries because a media ecosystem that is just there to get me to watch more and to get me to click more and to get me to scroll more is one that I have participated in for a long time and I can not further participate in, at least not to the same level. I am opting out of the riptide so I can opt in to the things that actually make a difference, that actually take care of myself so I can show up as the best version for you, the listener, our community, my own personal community, for my city, for my neighborhood.
Ask yourself, what am I giving energy to right now that does not give me energy back? Even things that are well-produced or well-informed. Again, I’m sorry, I’m picking on Pod Save America. I think they’re fantastic. But that a three times a week podcast about Donald Trump and how terrible he is is not going to be helpful for me. It’s just not. That’s not going to be helpful for me, and I’m getting really honest about that. And instead, I am making concrete steps to engage in different ways.
My final thing, community is all that we have and all that we’ve ever had, really. And again, Black and brown activists have been saying this forever. We don’t have a government that works for us. Even if we did get a Democratic president, the system does not work. We know that. Of course, I knew that. While I’m campaigning for Kamala Harris, I also know that. And while we work to change the system that exists, the most radical thing we can do is to be the fullest, best, baddest, rested version of ourselves so that we can show up for our communities.
I’m tired, just like all of you. I’m tired. I’m tired of begging people to believe that my safety is valid. I’m so tired of begging people that the safety of the people I love is valid. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. And yet, this is where we’re at. And one of the other things I loved about the episode on We Can Do Hard Things is they discussed feeling like, “Oh, when is this person coming to save me?” Right? “Oh, if Kamala Harris got elected, we’d be saved,” right? And again, none of us fully believe that. Again, because we know that we live in a system that’s fucked, but I felt that way a little bit. I imagine you felt that way a little bit. “Oh, if Kamala Harris gets elected or if we get the majority in the Senate, or if this governor in my state gets elected, we’re going to be saved” or at least it’s going to be fine.
We can’t wait for somebody to save us, especially when we’re dealing with a bunch of other people who are actively voting our rights away. We can’t put all of our hope in an already broken system into one person or one party or one thing. Community is all we have. And I know that sounds depressing, and it kind of is. It is. We’ve all known we’re in a broken system, right? That’s not new. For me I’m doubling down though on community. I’m doubling down on making a difference in a way where I see the needle move and making a difference in a way by just existing as the best, baddest, fullest version of myself.
And that is how we change our world. That’s how we change people’s perception of others and the perception of the world. I saw Elizabeth Gilbert speak a couple of years ago, 2019. Liz Gilbert is the author of Eat, Pray, Love, Big Magic. She’s one of my, I call them my spirit mommies like the wise, wise, wise women that I listen to a lot. And I’ve never met Liz Gilbert, but I know her work deeply, and I just … anyway, it doesn’t matter. She was asked, I’m trying to remember the exact question. It was something like, “What do you want to be remembered for?” Or “What is the goal of your life?” Or something like that.
I’m sorry, I’m trying to get through this without crying, so I’m trying to take a deep breath. She said, “I want to be love in the room.” Her answer to that question, “What is your legacy? What do you want to be known for? What is the purpose? Your life’s purpose?” She just said, “I want to be love in the room.” Meaning that if you enter a room with her in it, it is warm. It is kind, it inviting. If you encounter a situation that does not feel warm and kind and inviting, she’s still love in the room.
And I’ve thought about that answer a lot since I heard it in 2019, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it the past couple days. I just want to be love in the room. I just want to be capital L, love in the room. That is my only goal with my life, with my work, with my existence. Anything that is currently keeping me from being love in the room that has to go. Anything that’s keeping me tired and broken, that keeps me from being love in the room has to go. It has to go because I will not survive it, and I cannot show up as love in the room for myself and for everybody else.
Me not processing grief does not allow me to show up as love in the room. Me becoming pessimistic and hateful because I’m angry and I’m so frustrated and I’m so pissed off and I’m mad that I had the audacity to hope. That is not love in the room. So when I inevitably hit roadblocks, when the MAGA riptide wants to sweep me back in, when I start feeling stupid for hoping again, when I start bottling up my frustration or my anger, or my sadness, or my grief. My refrain, my mantra over and over and over again is going to be, how can I be love in this room?
How can I be love in this room? I am so honored to do this work with you. And to do this work on behalf of you. We said this before the election, and we will continue to say this. We’re not going anywhere. We’re going to be here. We are going to remove ourselves from the riptide so that we can show up as the best company, the best versions of ourselves, and for me personally, the best leader I can for you all. We know this works far from over. And we also know that one of the most radical things you can do, especially if you’re a member of a marginalized group, is to take the best fucking care of yourself that you can. To rest and to feel joy, and to feel hope, and to pour into your community and allow your community to pour into you.
If that’s “all you do,” that is more than enough because you’re love in the room. Thank you for being here, and I hope you take really, really good care of yourself today. And I pledge to you that this will be a place where you can come back to learn how to be love in the room, to learn how to process your anger and use it to continue developing into the fullest version of yourself so that you can show up for yourself and show up for others. I’m wrapping you in the biggest, tightest hug ever. I appreciate you. And I will talk to you very, very soon.
Thank you for listening to Financial Feminist, a Her First $100K podcast. Financial Feminist is hosted by me, Tori Dunlap, produced by Kristen Fields, and Tamisha Grant, research by Sarah Sciortino, audio and video engineering by Alyssa Midcalf, marketing and operations by Karina Patel and Amanda Leffew.
Special thanks to our team at Her First $100K, Kailyn Sprinkle, Masha Bakhmetyeva, Taylor Chou, Sasha Bonnar, Rae Wong, Elizabeth McCumber, Claire Kurronen, Daryl Ann Ingram, and Meghan Walker, promotional graphics by Mary Stratton, photography by Sarah Wolfe, and theme music by Jonah Cohen Sound.
A huge thanks to the entire Her First $100K community for supporting the show. For more information about Financial Feminist, Her First $100K, our guests, and episode show notes visit financialfeministpodcast.com. If you’re confused about your personal finances and you’re wondering where to start, go to herfirst100k.com/quiz for a free personalized money plan.
Tori Dunlap
Tori Dunlap is an internationally-recognized money and career expert. After saving $100,000 at age 25, Tori quit her corporate job in marketing and founded Her First $100K to fight financial inequality by giving women actionable resources to better their money. She has helped over five million women negotiate salaries, pay off debt, build savings, and invest.
Tori’s work has been featured on Good Morning America, the New York Times, BBC, TIME, PEOPLE, CNN, New York Magazine, Forbes, CNBC, BuzzFeed, and more.
With a dedicated following of over 2.1 million on Instagram and 2.4 million on TikTok —and multiple instances of her story going viral—Tori’s unique take on financial advice has made her the go-to voice for ambitious millennial women. CNBC called Tori “the voice of financial confidence for women.”
An honors graduate of the University of Portland, Tori currently lives in Seattle, where she enjoys eating fried chicken, going to barre classes, and attempting to naturally work John Mulaney bits into conversation.
